1000 Days of Sobriety
Yeah, that’s the title. Prepare for a couple of paragraphs about how much better I am than you because I no longer drink. That’s a joke, by the way.
In all seriousness, I am very proud of myself for being sober for 1000 days, but I am also well aware that everyone lives a different life, so do not feel the need to shame those who drink. In my heyday, I fucking loved to drink, and well, that’s probably why I find myself where I am now. Let’s start with why? I don’t think I had a drinking problem if I’m 100% honest. Like I didn’t need to drink every day, I never used to shake when I didn’t drink either. I did, however, use drinking to solve any problem or joy I had in my life, and it took an awful lot for me to figure out what exactly the problem was.
I was severely anxious all the time. Scared mostly, would I fit in? I solved this problem by drinking to take the nerves away, and before you know it, I’m 7 beers deep and hate myself. Then the morning comes, I’m slow, sluggish, fat and generally hating my shit self. This was not a good period of my life, and I look back on it with nostalgia, but in reality, it was a truly low point, which I rolled in for around 12 years. I saw myself riding my motorbike drunk, working drunk, sleeping drunk and worst of all, I saw days waste away with hangovers and pub visits. One particularly bad moment was after drinking 3 or 4 beers, I had a mental break of sorts. I wasn’t drunk… maybe a little tipsy. Well, I woke up in a train station car park. I had broken up with my partner via text, had a phone call with them and have absolutely little to no memory of the previous few hours.
The last photo of me drinking on film
This was a bit of a wake-up call, but still not enough to stop me drinking. It took a much more selfish moment before I realised that me an alcohol should never interact. After around 6 months of persistent grovelling and therapy, my partner did take me back, and it was when out with her friends for a birthday party that my final booze filled night happened. I got the standard amount of wrecked, nothing crazy; however, it took me around an hour to walk home. Normally, this is a 25-minute journey at the slowest. I then proceeded to have what I assumed was a heart attack and was quite prepared to die on the front steps of my house, waiting for a Deliveroo rider to find me and become the worst tip they had ever gotten.
Alas, death was not quite there for me. I stopped breathing as if I had run a marathon and worked out, after scoffing my face with terrible food, I had essentially had the biggest panic attack of my life. Sleep didn’t come for me either that night, and I stayed up watching the sun rise, wondering what would have happened if my body hadn’t kicked itself out of the cycle it got caught in. The next day, I was invited back out, and after putting it off for a couple of hours, claiming I was hungover, not that I wasn’t, but my body had learnt to survive for a couple of days if needed, I showed up to this pub, had one sip of beer, and without thinking, stood up and left. This was my last ever drink.
Now I fear that after 1000 days, if I go back to drinking, my body will show this allergic reaction of panic attacks, anxiety and mass depression. I must say I do not miss drinking as much as I thought I would. I wake up now with a clear(ish) head. I don’t hate myself as much, and I have far fewer and far between panic attacks.
I also found myself pushing harder with photography when I quit drinking. I always used to say 3 beers, then I start to do my real work. This was portraiture, live bands, skating, really anything I shot. Well, once you remove those 3 beers, you have to shoot your real work almost immediately, and it certainly made me a better photgrapher being clearer. I also found that the less time you spend in pubs, the less money you spend in pubs. Crazy right?! This gave me more funds for motorcycle parts, for fuel to get to locations, and for film and developer. Hell, it gave me more money to spend on trips to go and shoot places I don’t think I would have ever normally seen if I were still drinking.
As I stated at the start of this little post, people live different lives. Drinking may work for you, and honestly, I somewhat envy you. However, if drinking is not your bag, please don’t feel bad for not being able to do it. We are just here trying to live and hopefully create some great work.
